This fact about my self may shock everyone who knows me. I am an Introvert and not an extrovert. Introverts recharge by themselves where as extrovert recharge by hanging around other people. People automatically assume I'm and extrovert because I'm very bubbly and energetic. But there's this part of me that always wants to just lock myself up in a room and don't be bothered with anyone.
If you seen me be upbeat while I'm out and hanging with a group of friends, that's because I more than likely had a great nap, an hour or so to myself and more importantly quite time with God. Most of the time I go and hide in God. When I feel like my heart is broken I run to him and burry myself in his love. I NEED that time away with God if I don't have it I am an emotional mess. When I talk to him and lay my cares before him my anxious heart calms in his beautiful presence. God rebuilds me and restores me. He reminds me of the value I have in him. And then he tells me to GO! Go back and love those who have hurt you. Learn to forgive and open yourself up to be a blessing to people. Love, love, love and serve people. And by the end of my conversation with God I always feel better. So I obey and get up and go. But there are times when I play games.
Sometimes I choose to try and nurse my own wounds. While I'm trying to nurse my wounds I build myself a shell while I "heal". While I'm "healing" I literally don't talk to anyone. If you ask me how I'm doing I will smile and say I'll be fine. But I won't go into details. You see the longer you try to put band aids on deep wounds the deeper you go into your own pain and the further you hide in your shell. Two of my closest friends have figured me out. They always know when I'm going through something. My best friend says "how you been? Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope everything is ok. Side note: I know your depressed about something. Let me know when you want to talk." My other friend would just send me convicting/encouraging messages all day until I finally call her and tell her what's up. God will place people in your life that you cannot fool. They will see right through your shell and call you out on it. You need those people. Thank God for them they really are a blessing.
God sees through every wall and shell that we attempt to build. Not only does he see them he will come inside and get you. There is no such thing as ignoring him. If he wants to get a message to you HE WILL! The Holy Spirit will invade and save you! I remember one time when I was trying to build a shell and hide in it. I barely was talking to my friends and I didn't have quite time with Jesus. I was having a pity party of one. So one of my fav things to do by myself is to watch a sad movie or chick flick. I was watching a new movie called "Beyond the Lights" ( such a great movie btw). There was this one dramatic moment where this song called " fly before you fall". The lyrics go like this:
" your a tower of strength when your breaking down ,but through the walls I can hear your cry. And when it's silent your screaming inside. And I break cause I hear you loud as a bomb wanting a shoulder to cry on. I hear you tumbling fast. Hear and now, you're afraid. Don't you worry I'll teach you to fly before you fall away."
I paused the movie. As tears rolled down my face. God spoke to me so clearly through those lyrics. He said
" kiera I know your hurting even when you don't tell me. Your screaming on the inside but you won't let anyone help you and you won't allow me to do it. Your dying in this shell. Your shell is not protecting you its stealing from you. It's taking your joy and blocking blessings. I said you are a city on the hill not a secret to be kept! Why are you hiding out in the valley when your life should be a display for all to see my glory? You are being selfish! When you hide away like that, your not sharing the gospel. They are people out there who need you to be a vessel. They need to hear your testimony so that they know they can make it too! Stop hiding the gifts I gave you. Why do you question your talent? Do you not trust the works of my Holy hands? Come out of your shell because I'm about to break these walls anyway."
I know life is hard. Having an guarded but open heart is not easy to acquire. I know it hurts to feel like you've been walked on by people. I know there's that annoying voice inside of your head telling you you're not talented enough and that no one wants to hear what you have to say. Fight the urge to hide. God equips you with courage to step out. Pray and ask him for it.So just trust that he has your back, he has your heart and he will protect you.
So what gifts God has given you that your being selfish with? Hiding doesn't mean you'll never get hurt again. What you're missing out on is greater than, what you're trying to protect yourself from.Get out of your shell and enjoy an open life with Jesus, it's what he died for.
